Becoming a mother when you don't have your own mother to lean on is VERY hard.
You don't have a person to call with every symptom or pain to see if it is "normal"...
You don't have someone to go shopping for baby clothes and all the other "cute stuff"
You don't have someone to call when reading the 1,000 articles about what you "really need" to bring baby home and say "Mom, do I really need 8 different kinds of butt paste?"
But that is only the beginning of not having a mom there, and most people don't "get it". They say "oh well you have your husband/significant other, thats what they are there for!" and you want to scream! You want to tell them that you need your mom so you can learn to be just like her. That your husband has the slightest interest in butt paste, onesies, and which shade of blue the nursery should be. Yes there are other people there too, but they don't "get" these things like your mom would. They don't understand why certain things seem so important to you, or why others don't.
When baby is born and you want your mom to be the first person to hold them and realize she can't, and she never will hold them. In the middle of the night when baby is screaming for you and you are crying because you need your mom too. You need your mom, your rock, your cheerleader. You need that one person who can sit with you and make you feel like you are the best mom in the world, because that is what they were to you.
You have to learn to be an amazing mother without her being there to help you.
THAT is the hardest thing about being a motherless mother. Not being able to have someone show you the way. Someone that is there for every failure and triumph. Someone that is there to laugh when your baby throws up on you for the first time, or pees on you, to help make light of how gross you feel. No one else cares about those little moments the way your mother would.
The second hardest thing about being a motherless mother is the jealousy and anger. You REALLY try not to feel it, you don't want anyone to see how sad and angry seeing that bond really makes you. You see a friend with their mom out shopping for a crib and instantly cringe. You are on the phone with a friend and they say their mom is taking the kids for the weekend and you instantly become angry, you think, "I could use a break, my mom would know that". Your friend complains that her mom is "always there" to be around the baby and it takes everything in your power to not burst into tears and tell her how lucky she really is.
When you realize that your child will not be able to experience the person your mother was. The special bowl for chicken noodle soup when you are sick. The new coloring book when you're having a bad day. The trips for ice cream when you're sad. Knowing that your child will have a void because of your loss. Having to try to show your child how amazing your mom was, and trying to be that amazing too.
When you have a loss like that in your life, it hurts and cuts you to the core. What most don't understand is those wounds open back up again at different stages of your life. When you have the loss of your mom when you are young and know she still had so much left to teach you.
This isn't being written to make you sad or feel bad, its to show that there are others out there in the exact same position. That you are not alone, even though you do have this GIGANTIC void in your life.
You will learn who you can call to go shopping or grab coffee. You will figure out that talking to your child about your mom is amazing therapy. That looking at photos will help you to not only tell your child about your mom, but help you to remember things too. It will make you cherish those "silly" family traditions and drive you to start ones of your own.
Make sure that you take the pictures, and write out the memories for your child. So if and when you pass, they will have those things to pass on too. <3
If you are having a hard time dealing with motherhood and being motherless, check out these great resources:
Motherless Mothers: How Losing a Mother Shapes the Parent You Become
Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, Second Edition
Support Groups: http://hopeedelman.com/support-groups/